Tuesday, January 31, 2012

My top ten vampire rules...

Being a writer is sometimes a bit of a pain in the ass.  I don't feel at all odd or antsy about saying that.  Most writers will probably agree with me.  It's a labor of love, at best.  We don't write because we want to be millionaires.  As a matter of fact, I think it's safe to assume that most of us have eaten ramen noodles at least once in the past two weeks.  All this being said, there is one thing about writing that has miffed me from the time Stephenie Meyer half-wrote Twilight (I say half because I have a very genuine theory about how she plotted the story and came up with the characters, Edward and Bella in particular).  Where the hell have all the vampires gone?


In the spirit of a pissy writer, I've concocted a list of the top ten vampire factors.

Sparkling...making vampires easy to spot since 2006.
1--  Sparkling.  It doesn't happen. It's that simple.  No vampire will ever sparkle, has ever sparkled, and has never even thought of sparkling. Point blank.

2--  Has long fangs with which he/she drinks large amounts of blood.  Sometimes smaller amounts.  Depends on his or her diet, really.  Oh, and the beauty part of this is that they LIKE IT.  This is not negotiable in my opinion.  No fangs, not a vampire. I think it's perfectly okay for a writer to deviate a little bit with vampire diet, however. Hey, if Dracula wants a Big Mac, I'm certainly not going to tell him no...are you?

3--  Sunlight will fry his/her ass.  The only exception (again, my opinion only) is if it's an incredibly powerful vampire or a really freaking old one.  Case in point, Sita from Christopher Pike's THIRST books.  She's 5,000 years old.  As far as I'm concerned, that entitles her to do whatever the hell she wants, in daylight or otherwise lol.

He might have genuine feelings for her.  Then again, he might just want to suck her blood...who knows.
4--  Vampires are not at all lovelorn and emo.  This doesn't mean that the vampire may not have feelings for a mortal because I do believe that they probably do still, from time to time, feel that little thing called love.  Only, for a four hundred year old walking corpse with fangs and an appetite for blood, that love just isn't the same for them as it once was.  I don't believe that they're going to magically fall in love with some mortal person overnight and that, if they do fall in love, they'll try to refrain from feeding from said mortal.  Feeding is in their nature.  THIS aspect of a relationship with a vampire has got to be absolutely freaking terrifying for the mortal! I don't think it would be as easy for a vampire to just back away and stop drinking once they've started.  I also feel like vampires should keep first aid kits in their bedrooms for this specific purpose...just in case.  Also, I should add that a vampire/mortal intimate relationship is probably more frequent than some readers and movie goers like, but the relationships probably don't last long.  Ya know...it's that whole til death do us part issue...

5--  Vampires are not all millionaires.  How could they be?  I mean, their grocery bill is probably not that high and they probably don't have that high of an electric bill, but they still have to pay their way through life.  They have to keep a roof over their heads.  They have to possibly pay car insurance, cell phone bills, etc...  The oldest vampires have probably come up with some sort of system to make money and survive with luxury at their right hand, but for those just a few hundred years old, it's unlikely that they all live in secluded mansions.  

6--  Blood, in fact, DOES occupy about 90% of their thoughts.   Animal blood will not suffice forever.  It will work in a pinch, but not long.

7--  They're usually old as hell.  This gives me the thought that vampires are probably pretty damned intelligent because they've had plenty of time to learn things. I can imagine that newborn vampires are probably a real pain in the ass, though...

8--  If one approaches you at a club, sex is only the second thing on their minds.  Don't flatter yourself.  This ties right in with number six, but I thought that it was worth mentioning and needed its own place on this list.

9--  If a vampire says they're not going to hurt you, they probably are only biding their time and figuring out, in their twisted minds, exactly how they're going to hurt you.  Sorry.  Monsters lie sometimes and vampires are monsters.  Not your bestie.  Unless you're in a relationship with one...and in that case, see rule number 4 and proceed with caution.

10--  If a vampire wants to have a one night stand with someone, odds are that the someone in question may as well sign their own death certificate.  Again, see rule number 4 because there are very few exceptions.

Thank you for listening to me rant about vampires.  If I've forgotten something, please add it to the list through comments below! :)


  1. It's cool - you like your vampires monstrous, and that has its place. Like in 'The Passage' or the movie 'Near Dark.' I'm totally with you on the fangs thang, too. You and your wild horses will still not drag me away from my Edward, though.

    1. Erin, you should read a book called "The Silver Kiss" by Annette Curtis Klaus. I'm quite convinced that Stephenie Meyer very well might have ganked MOST of her books and the characters from the character, Simon, in The Silver Kiss :) AND after googling, I found out that I'm actually not the only person with this theory. BUT, to each his/her own <3

    2. I checked, and my library has that. I'm going to investigate this. Thanks for the tip!

    3. Awesome. I read it when I was a kid. You should give it a look and pay close attention to how Simon behaves and how he conducts himself through the book. There is even mention of a VOLVO in it. My theory is that Meyer loved the book, decided to make it her own, and just ran with it. *Sigh*... I was once a Twihard and then remembered The Silver Kiss and just put two and two together.

      And slightly off subject, but I wouldn't want to drag you away from Edward lol. If he makes you happy, I'm happy. He *is* easy on the eyes...but the best looking one in the entire Twi-cast is Emmett! lol <3