Friday, September 16, 2011

Stephenie Meyer, How You Annoy Me!

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

You annoy me. You annoy me so much it hurts sometimes. I give you lots and lots of credit for being a little innovative with the whole sparkly vampire froo froo deal. However, did you really put a lot of thought into it? Seriously?

Okay, lemme break it down to ya...Vampires do NOT sparkle. NOT NOT NOT. Next thing ya know they're gonna be driving volvos and staying abstinent until marriage.

Oh yeah. I forgot. Your vampires do that too...Well, at least they don't hop and skip through the trees like fairies or anything. Crap. Sorry. Forgot that one too!

(clears throat, turns red) Moving on!

So, the deal is that these vampires are flying through the trees (sometimes carrying each other on their backs), sparkling in the sunlight like RuPaul on parade, and deer hunting? I just don't get it! I'm a fairly educated woman. I read all the time. I read everything I can get my hands on, and I've read the entire four book saga, but I still don't understand the craziness that is Twilight...Can anyone explain this crap to me?

Take Dracula for an example. He could walk around in daylight if I'm not mistaken, right? But, was it not true that he had to save his energy or build up his energy or whatever in order to do so? And in all honesty, could you ever see good ol' Prince Vlad sparkling? No, I didn't think so...

About the eating animals and not people, wasn't one of Anne Rice's vampires a rat eater for a small time? Um, that's because he wasn't used to his vampire self. Not because he chose to do so.

Please, Stephenie, don't take this the wrong way. I think your writing style is great, the characters are almost great, and your plots are pretty great too. Just some of the specifics are a little difficult to understand.

I have to applaud you, however. Never before have vampires been so darn hot! Not only that, but I've never been torn between a hunky vampire and a sexy werewolf. Those characters wouldn't be so yummy if you hadn't written them that way.

Thanks,
Rhiannon Mills

*This post was originally posted in Rhiannon's Paranormally Romantic Bits & Pieces about a year ago.*

I'd like to add that since Ms. Meyer has created sparkling monsters, REAL vampire books like mine have never sold so well. Thank you Ms. Meyer for allowing readers to revolt and start buying books about real bloodsuckers again. Without you, I might almost be out of business.

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